It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
