he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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