So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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