thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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