My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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