yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
