I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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