dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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