I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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