at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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