I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
