this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
