I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
