ya dads aren't the best wingmen
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
