So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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