Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
