booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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