We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
