I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
