so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
