two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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