I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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