i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
