u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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