Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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