Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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