Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
