Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
