Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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