I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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