if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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