hotel room ftw
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
