we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
