He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
