I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
