so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
