batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
