You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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