one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
