Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
