I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
