Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
