Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
