Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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