hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
