I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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