He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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