barbara walters just said penis...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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