You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
