If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
