my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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