Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize