My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
