Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
