I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
