I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
