Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
