i already hear my dad disowning me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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