Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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