Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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