he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
